The Power of Words to Change Your Brain: Why How We Speak to Others and Ourselves Matters

 

A man and woman speaking kindly to each other

You know that words can affect your emotions, your mood, and even how well you perform a task. But can they also influence what happens in your brain and body? And what could that mean for the way we speak to ourselves and others?

In this post, we’ll explore how words can influence our emotional well-being, consider research on self-affirmation, and look at practical ways to speak with greater kindness.

Dr. Andrew Newberg of Thomas Jefferson University and communications professor and expert Mark Robert Waldman spent years exploring what words do to our brains.

In the book, *Words Can Change Your Brain, the authors write:

“A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”

This is a striking claim. While their research is solid, we can't assume a single word will change gene expression or result in other biological changes in every person in every situation. 

Still, the larger question is worth considering: How might the language we use help us respond to stress, encourage someone we love, or approach ourselves with greater compassion?

What Research Suggests About Positive Self-Talk

A 2024 **study published in Brain Sciences explored how hearing one’s own voice during self-affirmation relates to brain activity involved in emotional regulation.

Self-affirmation involves reflecting on qualities, strengths, or values that matter to us. It is more than simply repeating something cheerful or pretending that everything is fine.

Research in this area examines how affirming ourselves may help us respond to difficult emotions and stressful experiences. That does not mean every positive phrase will produce the same result for every person. It does give us a reason to pay attention to the way we speak to ourselves.

Consider the difference between these two responses to a mistake:

“I always ruin everything.”

“That didn’t go well, but I can learn from it.”

The second response does not deny the mistake. It leaves room for growth.

That same combination of honesty and kindness can guide the way we speak to other people.

Kind Words Begin With Genuine Listening

Think about the last time you spent time with a close friend. Did you truly listen? Did you encourage them or offer support for something they were working on? Or did the conversation stay on the surface, moving from traffic complaints to workplace gossip to the news of the day?

There is nothing wrong with casual conversation. But meaningful encouragement requires attention.

You know when someone is only half listening to you. Your close friends can usually tell when you are doing the same.

Before you try to find the right words, make room to hear what your friend is carrying. Listen without rushing to offer advice or turning the conversation back to yourself. Then offer words that respond to what they have actually shared.

Kindness does not always require an inspiring speech. Sometimes it can be as simple as, “That sounds difficult. I’m glad you told me.”

Three Ways to Encourage Friends and Family

Here are three habits to cultivate in your conversations with the people you love.

1. Ask Questions That Invite a Meaningful Answer

“How are you?” often gets an automatic response: “I’m fine,” “Doing okay,” or “Everything’s good.”

Try asking something more specific:

• “What’s something good that happened this week?”
• “What has been weighing on you lately?”
• “What’s something you’re looking forward to?”

Let the person’s answer guide the conversation. A question about something good may lead to a celebration. It may also open the door to a challenge they have been reluctant to share.

The goal is not to force a deep conversation. It is to make room for an honest one.

2. Celebrate Without Comparing

When a friend shares something they are proud of—a milestone, a success, or a small victory—respond with uncomplicated joy.

Resist the temptation to follow their good news immediately with your own update. Let their moment be their moment.

You might say, “I know how much work you put into that. I’m so happy for you.”

That kind of generous celebration is honey to the soul.

3. Say the Kind Thing You Are Thinking

We often think kind things about people without ever saying them.

If you admire a friend’s courage, wisdom, resilience, or grace, tell them. Be specific: “You handled that difficult conversation with so much patience.”

Do more than nod your approval. Do not assume they already know what you appreciate about them. When appropriate, use someone’s name when it feels natural, and name what you value: “That was really thoughtful, Emily. Thank you for noticing that I needed help.” 

A kind thought becomes a gift when you share it.

Bring Encouragement Into Your Home

These same habits belong in our homes. Too often, the people we love most hear our frustrations more readily than our appreciation.

In marriage, for example, research associated with Dr. John Gottman is often summarized as a ratio of roughly five positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict. That is not a prescription to count compliments or cancel out hurtful remarks. It is a reminder to pay attention to the overall pattern of a relationship.

Are appreciation, affection, and respect part of your everyday conversations? Or do you speak up mainly when something needs correcting?

Look for ordinary opportunities to express love:

“Thank you for taking care of that.”

“I noticed how hard you worked today.”

“I’m glad we get to do life together.”

Do not save loving words only for special occasions.

Disagree Without Attacking the Person

Kindness does not mean avoiding every disagreement. It means choosing how to speak when you disagree.

Address the problem without turning it into a judgment about the other person’s worth. There is a difference between “I was hurt when you interrupted me” and “You never care what I have to say.”

The first names an experience that can be discussed. The second turns the conversation into an accusation.

Aim for words that make understanding and repair possible. You can be honest without being cruel, and you can be firm without being demeaning.

Choose Words That Help Children Grow

Be especially thoughtful about the words you use with children and grandchildren.

Ask yourself what you want a child to hear in a difficult moment: that they made a mistake and can learn from it, or that the mistake defines who they are.

Instead of saying, “How could you be so stupid?” try, “That choice was not safe. Let’s talk about what happened and what you can do differently.”

Offer encouragement that is specific and sincere:

“You kept trying even when that was difficult.”

“That was a thoughtful thing to do for your sister.”

“I love you. We can work through this.”

You might also create a simple family practice: Once a week, invite each person at the table to name something they appreciate about another family member.

Keep it genuine and low-pressure. The point is to make appreciation part of family life.

Repair the Hurt When Your Words Cause Harm

Even with good intentions, we sometimes speak harshly. When that happens, take responsibility and begin repairing the hurt.

A sincere apology names the harm without hiding behind an excuse:

“I spoke harshly to you. That was hurtful, and I’m sorry.”

Notice the difference between that apology and “I’m sorry, but I was stressed.” Stress may help explain what happened, but it does not erase the harm.

A thoughtful apology communicates something important: Your feelings matter more than my need to defend myself.

Then follow the apology with action. Listen to the other person’s response, and work on changing the pattern.

The goal is not to use a formula. It is to help the other person feel genuinely seen.

Offer Kindness to Strangers

Kind words are not reserved for people we know well.

Speaking to a stranger may feel awkward at first, but kindness does not have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as making eye contact and saying “Thank you” with genuine warmth.

When it is sincere and appropriate, you might say:

• To a server: “Thank you for taking such good care of us.”
• To a nurse: “Thank you for doing this work. I appreciate your care.”
• To someone who helps you: “You made this much easier. Thank you.”

You rarely know what someone else is carrying. They may be having an ordinary day, or they may be struggling through something difficult.

You do not need to know their story to treat them with warmth. A few seconds of sincere appreciation may be the honey their soul has been waiting for.

Speak to Yourself With the Same Kindness

For many of us, speaking kindly to ourselves is harder than encouraging someone else.

The inner critic can be relentless: evaluating decisions, replaying failures, making comparisons, and questioning our worth.

Pause and consider this: Would you speak to a friend the way you sometimes speak to yourself?

Kind self-talk does not mean avoiding responsibility or pretending that mistakes do not matter. It means responding to yourself with honesty rather than contempt.

Here are three ways to begin.

1. Notice Your Inner Critic

When you catch yourself in a harsh internal monologue, pause and ask, “Would I say this to a friend?”

If the answer is no, try again.

Instead of “I can’t do anything right,” say, “I made a mistake. What can I learn from it?”

Instead of “I should be better than this,” try, “This is difficult, and I’m still learning.”

The goal is not perfection. It is a more truthful and compassionate response.

2. Replace Condemnation With Constructive Accountability

There is a difference between acknowledging a harmful choice and condemning yourself as a person.

Accountability says, “That behavior did not reflect my values. I need to make it right.”

Condemnation says, “I am worthless.”

One points toward repair. The other leaves little room for hope.

Learn to name what needs to change without making your entire identity the problem.

3. Practice Saying Kind, Honest Words Aloud

Try putting a compassionate response into words you can hear:

“I can take responsibility without tearing myself down.”

“I am allowed to learn.”

“One mistake does not define me.”

Choose language that feels honest rather than exaggerated. You do not have to claim that everything is wonderful. You can acknowledge that something hurts while reminding yourself that you deserve care.

Extend to yourself the grace you would offer someone you love. Help yourself learn, make amends where needed, and move forward.

That grace is for you, too.

Make Kind Words a Daily Practice

How can we bring all of this into everyday life?

Begin with one question: “Who can I speak sweetness to today?”

It might be your spouse at the breakfast table, your child getting ready for school, or a coworker whose effort often goes unnoticed.

It might be your own tired, striving heart at the end of a long day.

Listen closely. Offer specific encouragement. Tell the truth gently. Apologize when you cause harm.

Let the image of honey remind you that kindness is something to share, not something to save for a perfect moment.

You will not always find the perfect words. But you can choose words that make room for dignity, understanding, and grace.

Your chosen words truly do matter.

References:

*Newberg, A., & Waldman, M.R. (2012). Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy. Hudson Street Press / Penguin Books. ISBN: 978-0142196779.

**Hirano, Y., et al. (2024). "Neural Effects of One's Own Voice on Self-Talk for Emotion Regulation." Brain Sciences, 14(7), 637. MDPI. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci14070637